Not just code: The emotional labour of Engineering Managers
TL;DR: Emotions aren’t the enemy of logic - they’re its greatest ally. A good engineering manager doesn’t just build systems; they build emotionally aligned teams that don’t burn out, but burn bright.
Back at Gojek, my team was building a tool for 360-degree employee feedback. Things were going smoothly - until, very late in the game, a massive new feature request landed on our plate. The deadline? Unmovable. The company needed the tool ready for annual appraisals.
Conventional wisdom says good decisions are made without emotions. You weigh the facts, analyze the risks, and proceed logically. But that approach overlooks something crucial: emotions aren’t just noise - they’re data. In fact, ignoring the emotional state of the team can lead to poor decisions and, worse, burnout.
We paused and did something unconventional: a "reverse retrospective" on a board. Everyone added cards about how they were feeling - confident, scared, uncertain. Simply putting those emotions out there made them tangible, something we could talk about and acknowledge. It helped us understand not just how each of us was individually feeling, but how others were feeling, too.
https://twitter.com/Space_Cadet_Glo/status/1454516004046864387?t=oB3GB1-AlUXtWeff4UA9ow&s=19
This wasn’t just a one-off trick - it’s the way we should always be making decisions. By understanding where everyone stood, we rallied, stretched ourselves just enough, and hit the goal. That’s the power of “reading the room” as a team - and it’s a skill every great engineering manager helps their team build.
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What Is Collective Emotional Awareness?
Collective emotional awareness is the ability of a team to recognize, understand, and respond to its shared emotional state. Unlike individual emotional intelligence, which focuses on personal emotional awareness and regulation, collective awareness requires alignment across the group. And here’s the key: individual emotional intelligence isn’t optional - it’s the foundation, a necessary precondition.
A good engineering manager knows this and invests time and emotional labor in 1-on-1s. These aren’t just status updates; they’re opportunities to deeply understand how each team member is feeling and to help them become more emotionally self-aware. This groundwork is essential for the team to function as a cohesive unit. Without individual awareness, group alignment is almost impossible.
Why does this matter? Three reasons should be enough:
1. Avoid burnout: When a team is emotionally disconnected, stress can go unnoticed until it’s too late. Collective awareness helps surface tensions early and enables managers to intervene before burnout spreads.
2. Build emotional alignment: For a team to be effective, they can’t just see their goals - they have to feel them. Emotional alignment means the team is genuinely motivated and invested, not just checking boxes.
3. Become greater than the sum of its parts: A team that’s emotionally aware can leverage its collective energy and creativity in ways that go far beyond what individuals could achieve alone. As Patrick Lencioni writes in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, trust and vulnerability are the cornerstones of high-performing teams.
Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence underscores this as well, showing how emotional awareness builds communication, strengthens relationships, and creates resilience under pressure.
Building collective emotional awareness isn’t a luxury - it’s a necessity for any team aiming to excel. And it starts with managers who prioritize emotional intelligence, both individually and collectively.
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Why teams struggle with collective emotional awareness
Engineering teams are uniquely prone to emotional blind spots. Here’s why:
1. The tyranny of logic
The engineering mindset often glorifies cold, unemotional rationality. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins." But this oversimplifies how decision-making really works. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, in Descartes’ Error, showed that emotions are essential for rational thinking. People who can’t process emotions - due to brain damage or other factors - struggle to make even simple decisions. Emotions don’t derail logic; they complete it.
Ignoring this reality in team dynamics is where many engineering teams falter. Emotions, both individual and collective, provide critical data about alignment, motivation, and potential roadblocks. Without understanding this, teams risk making decisions that seem rational on paper but fall apart in practice.
2. Social conditioning and "Normative Male Alexithymia"
There’s also a societal factor at play. The tech industry has a gross overrepresentation of men, and research shows that men are often conditioned to suppress or ignore emotions. This phenomenon, sometimes called "normative male alexithymia," leaves many unaware of their own emotions, let alone those of others. When you scale this across an engineering team, collective emotional awareness becomes a steep uphill climb.
3. Centralized decision-making
A lack of distributed ownership can further stifle awareness. For example, at Appsmith, my teams used a transparent framework for work assignments to avoid this trap (Work assignment: aka who works on what). This approach allows team members to self-select tasks, reducing the risk of emotional misalignment or frustration from top-down directives. Many teams, however, rely on a single authority figure to make these decisions, which can prevent group emotions from surfacing and being addressed. This means business. This means bad decisions.
4. The risks of emotional blind spots
Talking about emotions in a technical environment risks being dismissed as “woo-woo.” Emotional intelligence rarely makes it into engineering manager job descriptions, leaving room for disastrous hires - managers who are themselves emotionally unaware.
Even more concerning, many operational problems stem from leadership’s failure to regulate their own emotions. A reactive or poorly aligned executive team can trickle chaos down to engineering teams, forcing them to make tough decisions under avoidable stress. This is a massive topic in itself and deserves a post of its own. Again bad for business. Definitely not "woo-woo".
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The Role of an Engineering Manager
An engineering manager plays a critical role in fostering collective emotional awareness by helping individuals and the group align emotionally. This involves creating spaces for reflection, open communication, and meaningful feedback. Here’s some ways to do it, but you can also let the universe guide you:
1. Individual alignment through 1-on-1s
1-on-1s are more than just status checks - they’re the foundation of emotional alignment. A great engineering manager uses these sessions to not only understand what’s blocking their team members but also to coach them toward greater self-awareness. These conversations help individuals process their emotions, align with team goals, and ultimately contribute more effectively to group dynamics.
2. Group alignment through retrospectives
Activities like retrospectives and reverse retrospectives bring group emotions to the forefront. I'll write a separate post if needed on how to run effective retros. In a reverse retrospective, team members can share how they’re feeling - confident, uncertain, or overwhelmed - and discuss how these emotions impact the team’s progress. These sessions help the team develop a shared emotional vocabulary and align on how to move forward together.
3. Feedback through Brown Envelope Sessions
Feedback is the lifeblood of growth, and it’s a manager’s job to make it a habit. Brown Envelope Sessions are a thing that I learnt from Ranjan Sakalley at Gojek. These are structured activities where team members exchange candid feedback in a psychologically safe environment (read more here). These sessions not only improve interpersonal dynamics but also surface unseen tensions or misalignments that might derail progress.
Why is feedback so important? As my candid reflections say here, feedback loops are essential for awareness - both individual and collective. Without them, teams can’t recognize patterns or adapt effectively to challenges.
4. Modeling emotional awareness
Perhaps the most impactful thing a manager can do is lead by example. By being open about their own emotions - sharing when they’re excited, concerned, or uncertain - a manager gives the team permission to do the same. This creates a culture where emotions aren’t ignored but embraced as part of decision-making and collaboration.
In short, a good engineering manager doesn’t just manage tasks and deadlines - they help build the emotional muscle of the team, ensuring that individuals and the group as a whole can navigate challenges with clarity and resilience.
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Conclusion
Engineering teams are often seen as machines - logical, efficient, driven by data. But the truth is, teams are made up of people, and people bring their emotions, fears, and aspirations to work every single day. Ignoring that isn’t just a missed opportunity - it’s a recipe for burnout, disconnection, and wasted potential.
A good engineering manager doesn’t just guide their team through deadlines and deliverables; they create a space where emotions aren’t something to be hidden or ignored, but embraced as part of the work. They ask questions that matter: “How are you feeling?” “What’s holding you back?” “What do you need to thrive?” And then they listen - really listen and act - because they know that understanding the heartbeat of the team is as important as any metric or roadmap.
But here’s the catch: before you can help your team grow emotionally, you need to invest in your own emotional growth. Read books like Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman or The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni. Go to therapy and unpack your blind spots. Take that solo trip you’ve been putting off to better understand yourself. Drop acid. idk, just learn and practice real connection. Emotional self-awareness isn’t just a prerequisite for great leadership - it’s what makes it ✨magical✨.
When a team feels seen, heard, and aligned - not just on their goals, but on their emotions - they become something extraordinary. They navigate challenges with resilience. They take ownership not just of their work, but of each other’s well-being. They go from being a collection of individuals to a true team, greater than the sum of its parts.
So the next time you’re in a 1-on-1, a retrospective, or even just a casual chat, pause. Ask yourself: “What’s the emotional state of this team? What am I doing to help them understand it and grow from it?” These small moments of awareness and care can transform everything.
Because engineering management isn’t just about building systems - it’s about building people. And when you build people, you build something truly lasting - teams that don’t just meet goals but redefine what’s possible together.
Great engineering managers understand that technical excellence is only half the equation. The other half is emotional intelligence - the ability to lead with empathy, create alignment, and inspire trust. By investing in yourself and your team, you can unlock the true potential of the people you work with and create an environment where everyone thrives.
Because at the end of the day, great teams aren’t built on logic alone. They’re built on connection. Connection is fun, and fun is pleasure, which is the central driving principle of everything.
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